As I clear the table I suddenly feel this odd distance between what I know is my life and what I feel inside. I don't recognize this life. Just minutes ago, I was single. I was an attorney for a big corporation. I was alone most of the time. I was free. I took care of only one person (and I didn't even do that very well). I spent most nights watching sitcoms and going to bed with a good book. I spent my days working and trying to figure out the world around me. The journey of discovery was lonely but also invigorating.
I look around and see my life now. Mother of two boys. Wife to a good man. Responsible for the well being of a family. But I still feel like that single woman sometimes. That woman that was alone most of the time with her own thoughts. And I wonder who is this woman standing in the kitchen? It's not me.
Once the dishes are away, I start turning off the lights. That's when my husband comes up to ask if it's time to take the kids to bed. I say yes and we discuss some mundane kitchen repair issue. Then I tell him that I'm going upstairs and ask if he could please turn off the rest of the lights and then bring up the kids.
I walk into my bedroom and savor the few minutes of silence before the boys charge up the stairs. This is my life now. A few stolen moments of silence here and there.
I sit on my bed and think about that feeling of strangeness that overcame me downstairs. Do I miss the woman in my past?
"Mommy, mommy, where are you?"
"I'm here sweetie, in mommy's room."
Everything else disappears as they run into the room. The other woman is gone. This mother and wife is here waiting for her boys to crowd around her in bed so that she can read them their bedtime stories.
I have moments like this, too and I'm single.
ReplyDeleteoh i love this so much. i think this is my favorite post of your so far. i feel exactly the same way. how did i get here? the other day i came home from the grocery store (late evening) and i didn't want to come in the house. i just didn't want to. but i did and when i did both boys rushed me and hugged me and it all fell away.... still, i wanted to be alone in the car still
ReplyDeleteI have moments like this. I always feel stunned by them and it takes me a while to regain myself. I wondered if it was just me. Great post!
ReplyDeleteI relate to this every second of the day! Every once in while, someone I know says that they still feel young - like they're just a teenager inside. But I think this is more accurate. I still feel that woman that I used to be. At least on the inside.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I feel this way sometimes, too. Like Madge, when I am alone for awhile, I sometimes wonder if there is some way to stay that way a bit longer.
ReplyDeletei can really relate. the title of my next post was going to be "how did i get here?" and your post really rang true for me. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I have moments like this too and am glad to see so many other women attesting to the samething. I think that is why it is so important (and sometimes so impossible) to find time to spend by yourself so that you can stay in tune with that woman or some version thereof, not just the mother, wife that you are too. It's hard. There are only so many hours in a day, days in a week, etc...But me must!!
ReplyDeleteI loved this post!!!! I can relate....I too feel like this a lot.
ReplyDeleteEL